You’re committed to a task and yet you don’t really want to drive 133 miles round trip to do what you have already committed to doing. Your instinct says…“noooo, please say no”, but the (in this moment) adult side of you pushes forward. So what do I do? listen to my instincts which are never wrong? or stay committed to going? What I learned is to sometimes it is best to just push through it and disregard the seemingly self imposed “I don’t want to do it”. There’s a big difference between God given instincts we all have, and our own self-imposed feelings. How to tell the difference? When you arrive, you’ll know which it was “God given instincts” or self-imposed feelings. To know which one it is in advance takes some doing. In conclusion the task I didn’t want to do actually turned out to be a blessing for others. Point being, I believe we really need to discern between what is pure instinct and what is just a loud cluttered voice from our head. I’ll have an answer for that one soon.


Constant endings and new beginnings




Fear is not the same for everyone even if you intellectually know everything will be safe. Fear could be the emotional fear of ending what was once a new beginning. Depression, brittle emotions are due to lack of perspective within emotional balance.

I cried this morning while driving to horse stables not because I was sad so much as I am exhausted from “change”.  If could sum up my entire life since birth,  it would read……:”consistent endings and new beginnings.” Some endings were met with horrific depression, some were met with joy, but it was those new beginnings that I had to be strong and soldier through regardless of how welcomed or unwelcome they were. But it is those times when I hit the new beginnings hard and rebuilt a great new life, great career, a good relationship, even a house only to have it all blow away or be taken away one way or another. The consistency of those experiences are what give pause and the unhealthy thinking of “Why even bother to try anymore? It will just blow away again.” And that’s what has been so dam exhausting to the point of this morning’s tears. As I wiped away the tears and gathered my thoughts on the country road, I realized that we are continuously changing, under some kind of construction.   Nature orchestrates a rhythm of change through many ways, in particular seasons. It’s winter here now, the trees look dead and barren, the freezing temperatures, gloomy sky ending summer, fall. Then it all “changes” to spring. Over and over again – Nature continually has a cycle of endings then new beginnings.  For us, it’s the natural rhythm of “change” that is something we tend to fight or get depressed over because it’s the not the end we fear so much as it is the new beginnings whether they be welcomed, known or happily anticipated.  But for the most part oh how I wish I could say to change…”just hold it!”  Everything changes! Friendships, family gatherings,  romantic relationships, jobs, relocation,  right down to navigating new medical care, a grocery store, directions in a new environment etc.  Even if one is fortunate to have lived in the same town for most of their lives, there’s changes on other levels too.  Work related relationships change. They move on with their lives or relationships altering your making your dynamic with them. Family gatherings change. We all grow older thereby making the time together another change from what it used to be and more rare.

This morning’s tears were not fearing change so much as it they were sadden that what was is slowly ending and new beginnings will happen. As I pull up to the stables to greet my beloved horse I thought one day he will cross the Heavenly bridge changing my life once again.

But for now, and in conclusion to this post, it’s important to embrace the joy of what IS! Embrace it well so that when it ends, you are at least blessed with a wonderful memory….and have faith that so many wonderful memories await you in new beginnings big and small. Recalculate the route your “mind” can wander off too and rise up on the road of perspective.  We are continuously changing, under some kind of construction. So perhaps we just have to recalculate our routes to accommodate. My tears dried up, still feeling a bit down but just as it has in the past, it always passes.

the un-calculated route

Set your GPS for directions towards your planned destination. But when you hit construction, road blocks that the GPS is unaware of, you have to change direction. When you do, or you decide on a completely way to reach your destination, the frustrated GPS voice always screams…”recalculating route.” Sometimes the new route is a choice, sometimes the choice is made for you.

I believe a car commercial already nailed this as far as life goes, but none -the – less, I have found that “recalculating” my own personal life routes has been hysterically fun, thought provoking , challenging and even found love. I’ve met dead ends or glorious synchronized roads not on any planned map.